My Life in the Perspective of Constant Struggle on the Battlefield

If you are a keen reader or a follower of my blog, you’ve probably seen a few posts about the negativity and the struggles I’ve encountered the past few months. Today I wanted to take some time to really talk about those two aspects of my life - in depth. Buckle your seat belts everyone. 

Struggle to rid the negative people out of my life because of the ties we have

I don’t even know where to begin with this topic, neither do I know when this all really started. It’s always difficult to take a step back and look at your own life from someone else’s perspective. But after so many days and nights of fussing, complaining, and bitching towards my boyfriend, he helped me realize how UNHAPPY I am with my family. It’s really shitty to have to actually say that, but not one single word of that is a lie. Some family members I love to death - I would do anything for them and they will always be my priority. But then, there are some other family members that drive me insane and make me want to kill myself. Not even in the joking way. Before I realized that their negativity was affecting my quality of life, all I could think about was “God, why don’t you just kill me now so I don’t have to suffer”, and “If I were dead I wouldn’t have to feel like this”. But now that I’ve taken a step back to look at the whole situation, I just wish these people would walk out of my life and leave me alone. 

I don’t want them in my life, and neither do they want me in theirs. So what if there is this so called “family tie” or “blood line” that connects us? They say blood is thicker than water, but that don’t mean anything when you treat your family like dirt. I don’t NEED negative people like you in my life, spreading nothing but gossip, rumors, hatred, and negative vibes off to people like me. I don’t WANT you in my life because you treat me like nothing, as if I’m invisible, and not giving a damn about me. People like you don’t DESERVE to be in my life because I deserve to be happy - if all you have within that greedy, selfish, fucked up mind of yours is bad things to say and negative thoughts, then please take that somewhere else. I can’t just WALK away because I still have to be here to protect the family members I love that you are TARGETING, but one day we will all leave and you will be left alone by yourself, wondering how this all happened to you. P.S. Nobody likes you 

Struggle with weight and self confidence

Before I started this new lifestyle and change, I had always been a chubby, overweight girl. Thinking back to the high school days, I ate whatever I want without feeling much guilt over it. I was eating to make myself happy. The only thing that kept me going - thinking that I still had hope to one day be “thin” and “skinny” was that I enjoyed being physically active when it came to participating in sports. I loved gym class, but I wasn’t good enough to play on school teams. Of course, this took a toll on my self esteem and self confidence. I never got asked out on dates, didn’t have a boyfriend (until the very end before I graduated - with me being at my best shape of all 3 years . Go figure). 

In University, I let myself go because I couldn’t find that fine balance between school and life. I was overlooking school to be something really easy, when everyone else was struggling over it. I thought I was taking it easy, when really, it just hadn’t hit be hard enough yet. I no longer exercised regularly, and I ate whatever I want but even more than before because “studying made me feel hungry”. Even though I didn’t gain the “freshman 15”, I definitely felt that I lost a lot of the muscle mass I had built. 

One year later and here I am trying to get a control of things again - but every day is a struggle. Which I am not “complaining” about, I just wanted to explain myself. My friends see my progress and my updates on instagram and the blog, and I tell them that is hard to get to the gym and what not, but I don’t think I’ve ever really told any of them the REAL struggle I feel inside. It’s quite hard to eat properly, eat the right things, and have it all fit together in a pre-determined macro ratio. It’s hard to go buy your own groceries when you have to depend on your own boyfriend to take you there. It’s tough to set a goal in stone when I don’t even really know what my ultimate goal is. Do I want to be slim and toned? Do I want to be somewhat shredded? How long will I keep using personal trainers for to keep me going for my goals? It’s just a bunch of questions that I don’t have answers to. 

Struggle to get out of depression last year 

I went through a “tough” relationship briefly last summer. I say it’s tough, because it was tough to get through it afterwards, not that it was bad when it happened. I fed myself all these negative thoughts about myself, telling myself that I was the problem and that I did everything wrong. I made myself feel like I was at fault for every single thing, and that it had led to the end of the relationship. I kept playing in my head scenarios of what would happen in the “perfect world” and things would all go back to normal. But of course it didn’t. 

I eventually gathered up enough courage to approach a psychologist at my university clinic. She helped me a lot that summer, and helped me get through most of the mess I got myself into. Even though I’m still unclear as to why I did what I did (creating those thoughts in my head, blaming myself), I’m sure there’s a logical explanation behind it. But what I am clear about is that my mind is no longer in that state it was before, and I am better - healthier. I don’t know what lies ahead of me in terms of relationships, but there will arguments, fights, and the struggle. But it’s about getting through it. 


If you've gotten to this point of the entry without skipping through it, thank you. 

I know this blog is mostly filled with fitness and inspirational stuff, but it's called "The Lifelong Journey to Happiness" for a reason. You will hear my stories, you will feel my struggle. If you feel the need to share your thoughts or stories with me, don't hesitate to comment below. 

Cheers xoxo